Healing from the mother wound is a balance between acknowledging negative feelings such as anger and resentment and recognizing that we may need to forgive our mother. While remaining mired in the negative feelings may make us feel temporarily right, in the long run, we actually lose out.
So how do we get the balance that will heal us?
Express the pain
The first step is letting yourself say, “Ouch” — and more — if you need to. Therapy can help your child-self express the pain of being unloved, ignored, shunned, ridiculed, and even victimized. Journaling can also help.
Love yourself
Our concept of self was built through the way our mother interacted with us. We need to realize that the fact that our mother was unable to build our self-image in a positive way was not our fault. By letting go of the less-than-ideal image, we can recreate our self-image.
Develop self-awareness
Without our mother’s feedback, we didn’t have the reinforcement needed to develop self-awareness. We need to learn how to get in touch with our emotions. Take the time to stop and feel what you’re feeling. Naming the feeling is the first step to coping with the feeling.
Parent yourself
We can also learn how to parent ourselves, and give ourselves all the things we never received as a child.
Self-care isn’t spoiling ourselves; it’s taking care of our needs. For some of us, self-care... a solo morning walk before settling down at your desk. For others, it’s taking time off for a coffee date with a friend who makes us feel good about ourselves.
Forgiveness
Acknowledging our own feelings and grieving over what we never got as a child creates the emotional space needed to move towards forgiveness.
Mothering is hard work. If you’re a mother, you already know that. And sometimes mothers get things wrong. Even very wrong. If you can recognize your mother for who she is and not dwell on who you’d like her to be, you can move toward understanding her and accepting her.
Once you’ve done that, it could be possible to build a relationship with your mother. Learn to set boundaries and you may find that together you and your mother can build some sort of relationship. Even if it’s not the perfect relationship, it can become something meaningful.
Of course, in some cases, you may have had a neglectful or abusive mother that you truly cannot forgive. In such cases, it may be better to work through those hard feelings within your support network or with a therapist — without extending the olive branch.
Are you interested in starting your therapy journey? Take advantage of my complimentary discovery session and connect with me through your very own online session here
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